I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you wanna go.
Tuesday, 13th May 2008.
It if often that I pick up my phone, go to the Media option and start playing the songs I have fit in there. In certain subjects, like the godforsaken Add Maths, it helps. The day before the Add Maths exam, I repeated this routine. The songs played, one by one. And then it came to one.
The introduction part to the song was of a piano playing. As soon as I heard it, I knew my heart paused for a moment. I debated with myself as to whether or not I should change the song before any signs of sorrow or emotionality kicks in all over again. Subconsciously, I drew in a deep breath and let out a sigh.
No, I must listen to it. I will have to anyway someday. I will have to get over it. So. Listen to it.
The piano continued playing. Sure enough something was stirring inside of my heart. Then a deep and Texan-cowboy-like voice started singing. Oh yes, the familiar sinking feeling I had gone through so many times in the past half year or maybe even longer was starting again. But I kept repeating the words of, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, in my head as though it were some kind of weird strengthening mantra from some whacked witch doctor in Africa. The Add Maths questions stared back up at me from my thick reference book, and I proceeded to processing them and writing my solutions down on paper.
The voice kept singing. The piano kept playing.
And soon enough, I was singing along.
But when I assessed the depths of my heart for any more signs of that familiar sinking feeling..
They were gone.Gone, gone, gone.
The song had become nothing but just any other song that I would sing along to as well.
And I was proud. So proud.
And if you're faced with a choice and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
Saturday, 14th May 2008.
My feelings were just a little bit more unstable. The song tracklist of my phone came across the same song. Once again, I was tempted to change the song. But then, this time I told myself that I had to be strong. That I was stronger than just that. So I listened to the same piano, the same voice, and the same words.
Strangely, my feelings weren't affected. The unstability of my feelings had not changed, but it certainly was not added on to.
The song had begun to be insignificant to me.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walking, till you find a window.
Monday, 19th May 2008.
Okay, I know the songs in my phone are not that many. And that's why I came across the same song agaaaaaiiiin. Yeah, I was tempted to change the song agaaaaaaaaaiiinnnn but this time, it wasn't the same temptation.
This time, the temptation was about how I didn't want to listen to it anymore. This time, it was about how I was tired of listening to it. Like the song had belonged to an old record that had been played over and over again in such a way that it was so completely overused.
But I still made myself listen to it. And that was exactly when I realised that..
The song had begun to make me feel sick.
I was tired of listening to it. And I didn't want to listen to it anymore.
I made it a point to simply delete the song from my tracklist so I didn't need to unnecessarily occupy memory and space that would simply cause my phone to lag. I finally decided against it, however.
The song will remain there to be a reminder to me and to all as to how I managed to get over it and how I learnt that everything you said was nothing but lies behind the veil of the sweet vocabulary you possessed. It is a reminder to me and to all about how you lied about everything. It is a reminder about how you are not worth it anymore. About how you probably never were in the first place. Because I can't even tell when you were lying, and when you were speaking the truth.
I don't hate you. Haha, trust me, I don't. I don't think I ever hated you, and even if I did, I can't hate you anymore. There is far too much in my life to think and worry about now and you are not going to be one of them. Not anymore. I have found my happiness, and I am cherishing it.
When the time comes, I will return to you what is yours. Thank you, for it guided me and gave me hope in times where I felt there was none. But now, I know that it was just another part of your schemes.
I won't deny that somehow I still have hope that you are not the exact perception I have of you right now because I don't wish to lie to myself, you, or anyone else. But another thing I have to learnt is to quit hoping so much. And it is a valuable lesson indeed.
Maybe you're listening to my words.
Maybe you're not.
But this is all I have to say, and there is nothing left to say.
I hope you keep on walking, till you find a window.
Monday, 19th May 2008.
Okay, I know the songs in my phone are not that many. And that's why I came across the same song agaaaaaiiiin. Yeah, I was tempted to change the song agaaaaaaaaaiiinnnn but this time, it wasn't the same temptation.
This time, the temptation was about how I didn't want to listen to it anymore. This time, it was about how I was tired of listening to it. Like the song had belonged to an old record that had been played over and over again in such a way that it was so completely overused.
But I still made myself listen to it. And that was exactly when I realised that..
The song had begun to make me feel sick.
I was tired of listening to it. And I didn't want to listen to it anymore.
I made it a point to simply delete the song from my tracklist so I didn't need to unnecessarily occupy memory and space that would simply cause my phone to lag. I finally decided against it, however.
The song will remain there to be a reminder to me and to all as to how I managed to get over it and how I learnt that everything you said was nothing but lies behind the veil of the sweet vocabulary you possessed. It is a reminder to me and to all about how you lied about everything. It is a reminder about how you are not worth it anymore. About how you probably never were in the first place. Because I can't even tell when you were lying, and when you were speaking the truth.
I don't hate you. Haha, trust me, I don't. I don't think I ever hated you, and even if I did, I can't hate you anymore. There is far too much in my life to think and worry about now and you are not going to be one of them. Not anymore. I have found my happiness, and I am cherishing it.
When the time comes, I will return to you what is yours. Thank you, for it guided me and gave me hope in times where I felt there was none. But now, I know that it was just another part of your schemes.
I won't deny that somehow I still have hope that you are not the exact perception I have of you right now because I don't wish to lie to myself, you, or anyone else. But another thing I have to learnt is to quit hoping so much. And it is a valuable lesson indeed.
Maybe you're listening to my words.
Maybe you're not.
But this is all I have to say, and there is nothing left to say.
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything.. more than anything..
But more than anything.. more than anything..
Haha, I don't want to remember anymore. =)
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