morning lights;

It is like.
12.54 in the morning right now.

Why am I up?
Because I just finished my Chemisty essays on ionic bonds.
Why did I take so long?
Because I fell asleep at 11.30 pm and woke up an hour later.


Words can't exactly describe everything I'm feeling now.
In my attempt anyway, however, I shall say..
1. She never gave me those 2 marks.
2. I'm still sorry I can't be perfect.
3. My father thinks its actually possible to get marks over 90 for all the Science subjects, Maths and Add Maths.
4. My mother says out loud to family that just because of my results, "Ee Laine's definitely got something wrong already." Thank you, Mum, I don't see how you're helping.
5. I wrote a Bahasa Melayu poem for a non-existent mother during Moral today entitled Cahaya Lilinku. The irony right?
6. I still don't know what I really want.
7. I am curious about everything that has happened. I tried taking notice but from my silly insignificant observations, I think I can say that she did not treat you thaaaattt well. The weird part? Somehow I hurt on your behalf . Maybe somehow I'm wondering how she could ever be that way to you. But then again, it is not my place to wonder. And it is not my place to comment here anyway.
8. Pictures and photographs, no matter how old, will always evoke feelings. Jealousy, longing, wonder. Those don't escape either.
9. My uncertainty has caused me so much blankness on the inside. So, I think a lot. But for quite some time now, it has reached the point where I stop wanting to think and so I don't. And being perfectly conscious about it, I push everything away.
The result?
I smile and find a reason to laugh.
10. I am thankful for that reason.
11. I think I still believe in forever despite everything I've seen and the fact that it was clearly proven that forever does not exist. Therefore? I'm stupid.
12. I want a "happily ever after".
13. I still think it is one-sided. And that means I know I'm being freaky too.
14. I still don't know a reason why I'm special.
15. I'm sleepy and I want to go back to sleep already.
16. Goodnight.

x)